Welcome to The Capital Wasteland
by The Impostor
Summary: Basically, the first episode of Night Vale, if it was done by Galaxy News Radio; terrible idea, I know...


**A/N: So, I decided to do a Night Vale parody, with Fallout... Let's see if this is a disaster or not...**

* * *

A friendly wasteland where the sun is hot, the radiation hotter, and raiders steal our possessions while we pretend to sleep. Welcome to The Capital Wasteland.

* * *

"ARRRRROOOOOO!" This is Three Dog; to start things off, the Brotherhood of Steel announces the opening of a new settlement on the wasteland's outer reaches. They would like to remind everyone that pets are not allowed in the settlement. People are not allowed in the settlement. It is possible you will see figures in power armor. Do not approach them. Do not approach the settlement. The fence is electrified and highly dangerous. Try not to look at the settlement, and especially do not look for any period of time at the power armored figures. The settlement will not harm you.

* * *

Confessor Cromwell out in Megaton says the atoms revealed themselves to him; said they were ten feet tall, radiant, and one of them was black; said they helped him with various household chores. One of them changed a light bulb for him, the porch light. He's offering to sell the old light bulb, which has been touched by an atom. It was the black atom, if that sweetens the pot for anyone. If you're interested, contact Confessor Cromwell. He's out in Megaton.

* * *

A new woman came into town today. Who is she? What does she want from us? Why her perfect and beautiful haircut? Why her perfect and beautiful vault suit? She says she is just a 19-year-old kid from vault 101. Well, we have all been 19-year-old kids from vault 101 at one point or another in our lives. But why now? Why here? And just what does she plan to do with all those guns and other equipment in that house she is renting—the one near The Brass Lantern? No one does a brahmin steak like The Brass Lantern. No one.

* * *

Just a reminder to all the parents out there. Let's talk about safety when taking your children out to play in the Capital Wasteland. You need to give them plenty of water, make sure there's a shade tree in the area, and keep an eye on the helicopter colors. Are the unmarked helicopters circling the area black? Probably The Commonwealth. Not a good area for play that day. Are they blue? That's Sherriff Lucas Simms' Secret Police. They'll keep a good eye on your kids, and hardly ever take one. Are they painted with complex murals depicting birds of prey diving? No one knows what those helicopters are, or what they want. Do not play in the area. Return to your home, and lock the doors until a Sherriff Lucas Simms' Secret Policeman leaves a carnation on your porch to indicate that the danger has passed. Cover your ears to blot out the screams. Also, remember: Nuka Cola is basically soda, so give your kids purified water, and maybe some radroach meat when they play.

* * *

A Liberty Prime robot traversing across the wasteland disappeared today, only to reappear in the Rivet City Elementary baseball field during baseball practice, disrupting practice quite badly. The machine roared through the small field for only a fraction of a second, and before it could strike any players or structure, it vanished again, this time apparently for good. There is no word yet on if or how this will affect the Rivet City Fire Ants' game schedule, and also, if this could perhaps be the work of their bitter rivals the Paradise Falls Slavers. Paradise Falls is always trying to show them up through fancier uniforms, less irradiated pregame snacks, and possibly, by transporting a Liberty Prime into their field, delaying practice for several minutes at least. For shame, Paradise Falls. For shame.

* * *

That new woman from vault 101 we now know is named Ozymandia called a meeting in Megaton. She has full lips and teeth like a military cemetery. Her hair is perfect, and we all hate and despair and love that perfect hair in equal measure. Confessor Cromwell brought Blammo macaroni and cheese, which was decent, but lacked salt. He said the atoms had taken his salt for an atomly mission, and he hadn't yet gotten around to buying more. Ozymandia told us that we are, by far, the most goddamn dangerous stretch of waste in the US, and she had come because her vault was going to kill her otherwise. She grinned, and everything about her was perfect, and I fell in love instantly. Agents from The Commonwealth were in the back watching. I fear for Ozymandia. I fear for The Capital Wasteland. I fear for anyone caught between what they know and what they don't yet know that they don't know.

* * *

We received a press release this morning. The Republic of Dave is proud to announce the opening of the brand new Republic of Dave Harbor and Waterfront Recreation Area. I have been to these facilities myself recently on their invitation, and I can tell you that it is absolutely top of the line and beautiful. Sturdy docking areas made from eco-friendly post-consumer material, a boardwalk for pedestrians, and plenty of stands ready for local food vendors and merchants to turn into a bustling public marketplace. Now, there is some concern about the fact that, given they are in the middle of a wasteland, there is no actual water at the waterfront—and that is a definite drawback, I agree. For instance, the boardwalk is currently overlooking sagebrush and rocks. The Business Association did not provide an specific remedies for this problem, but they assured me that the new harbor would be a big boost to The Republic of Dave nonetheless. Maybe wait until a flash flood and head down there for the full waterfront experience.

* * *

The local chapter of the NMA (national melee weapons association) is selling bumper stickers as part of their fundraising week. They sent the station one to get some publicity, and we're here to serve the community so I'm happy to let you all know about it. The stickers are made from good, sturdy vinyl, and they read, 'Melee Weapons Don't Kill People; It's Impossible To Be Killed By A Melee Weapon; We Are All Invincible To Them And It's A Miracle.' Stand outside of your front door and shout, "NMA," to order one.

* * *

Ozymandia and Fawkes, her supermutant business partner warn that one of the houses in the nearly-abandoned town of Spring Vale, out back of the old elementary school, doesn't actually exist. It seems like it exists, explained Ozymandia, and her perfect hair, like it's just right there when you look at it. And it's between two identical houses, so it would make more sense for it to be there then not. But, he says, they have done experiments, and the house is definitely not there. At news time, the duo are standing in front of the nonexistent house, daring each other to go knock on the door.

* * *

A great howling was heard from the Megaton Post Office yesterday. Postal workers claim no knowledge, although passersby described the sound as being a little like a human soul being destroyed through black magic. The Ghoul Tracker—now, I don't know if you've seen this guy around; he's the one who appears to be of maybe Vault origin, yet wears gray body paint out of some racist cartoon and claims to be able to be able to read tracks on asphalt—he appeared on the scene, and swore that he would discover the truth. No one responded because it's really hard to take him seriously in that body paint of his.

* * *

Lights, seen in the sky above the Gristly Diner. Not the glowing sign of the Gristly Diner; something higher and beyond that. We know the difference. We've caught onto their game. We understand the lights-above-Gristly Diner game. Invaders from another world. Ladies and gentlemen, the future is here, and it's about a hundred feet above the Gristly Diner.

* * *

Ozymandia says her pip-boy, some kind of Vault technology; I don't know... Has been indicating wild seismic shifts, meaning to say that the ground should be going up all over the place. I don't know about you folks, but the ground has been as still as the crust of a tiny globe rocketing through an endless void could be. Ozymandia says that she's double-checked the monitors and they are in perfect working order. To put it plainly, there appears to be catastrophic earthquakes happening right here in The Capital Wasteland that absolutely no one can feel. Well, submit an insurance claim anyway, see what you can get, right?

* * *

Traffic time, listeners. Now, Sherriff Lucas Simms' Secret Police are issuing warnings about damaged, irradiated cars out on the highways, those cars that are everywhere, standing eerily still. They would like to remind you that you should not set your speed by these aberrations, and doing so will not be considered following the flow of traffic. However, they do say that it's probably safe to match speed with the mysterious lights in the sky, as whatever entities or organization is responsible appear to be cautious and reasonable drivers.

And now, the weather.

* * *

Welcome back, listeners.

The sun didn't set at the correct time today, Ozymandia and Fawkes report. They are quite certain about it. They checked multiple clocks, and the sun definitely set ten minutes later than it was supposed to. I asked them if they had any explanations, but they did not offer anything concrete. Mostly they sat in a circle around a desk clock, staring at it, murmuring and cooing. Still, we must be grateful to have the sun at all. It's easy to forget in this wasteland, where air conditioners are too damn irradiated to be of any use, but things would actually be slightly harder for us without the sun. The next time the sun rises, whatever time that turns out to be, take a moment to feel grateful for all the warmth, and light.

* * *

The Brotherhood of Steel would like to remind you about the Tiered Heavens, and the Hierarchy of Atoms. The reminder is that you should not know anything about this. The structure of heaven and the atoms organizational chart are privileged information known only to the Brotherhood of Steel members on a need-to-know basis. Please, do not speak to or acknowledge any atoms that you might come across while shopping at Megaton, or at Rivet City. They only tell lies, and do not exist. Report all atom sightings to The Brotherhood of Steel for treatment.

* * *

And now for a brief public service announcement. Mirelurks: Can they kill your children? Yes.

* * *

Along those lines, to get personal for a moment, I think the best way to die would be swallowed by a giant snake. Going feet first and whole into a slimy maw would give your life perfect symmetry.

* * *

Speaking of Rivet City, the curator of its Capitol Preservation Society, Abraham Washington, reports that he has found the entrance to a vast underground vault under the room's left pillar. He said he has not yet ventured into it, merely peered down at its strange spires and cramped corridors. He also reports voices of a distant crowd in the depths of that subterranean metropolis. Apparently, the entrance was discovered when a bullet accidentally flew into it, clattering down to the vault below with sounds that echoed for miles across the impossibly huge cavern—so, you know, whatever population that vault has, they know about us now, and we might be hearing from them very soon.

* * *

Ozymandia, perfect and beautiful, came into our studios during the break earlier, but declined to stay for an interview. She had some sort of weird watch thing on her wrist covered with wires and tubes. Said she was testing the place for hostiles. I don't know what hostiles she meant, but that box sure whistled and beeped a lot. When he put it close to the microphone it sounded like, well, like a bunch of baby birds had just woken up, really went crazy. Ozymandia looked nervous. I've never seen that kind of look on someone with lips that full. She left in a hurry. Told us to evacuate the building. But then, who would be hear to talk sweetly to all of you out there? Settling in to be another clear night and pretty evening here in The Capital Wasteland. I hope all of you out there have someone to sleep through it with, or, at least, good memories of when you did.

Good night, listeners. Good night.

* * *

**A/N: 1. Ozymandia is simply the name of my Fallout 3 character, it is not a headcanon.**

** 2\. No, I do not ship the player character with Three Dog, I just needed someone for him to fawn over.**

**3\. Unless enough people actually enjoy this, I won't adapt any more episodes, this will be the only one. **


End file.
